The Diaries of Violet Crawley
by Calligraphic-soul
Summary: VIOLET CRAWLEY IS NINETEEN AND TRYING TO COPE IN A WORLD SHE IS DESPERATE TO ESCAPE FROM. VIOLET POV. THE DIARY OF THE DOWAGER COUNTESS VIOLET CRAWLEY THROUGH HER MARRIAGE THROUGH HER CHILDREN GRANDCHILDREN AND THEN ON TO THE SERIES
1. Chapter 1

5th February 1868

It is strange to think that it has been and entire year since I turned 18 and officially became a debutante. This of course means that today is my nineteenth birthday, and what a ghastly day it has been. Mama started the day of by hinting that she is not at all content with the fact that I still remain single. It is hardly my doing that my darling sister Roberta secured the good fortune of her love her very first season. That was five years ago and although she does not like to admit such things, I am hardly the young Lady that my sister was at eighteen.

Things hardly improved at the dinner that papa held in honour if the occasion. The Earl of Grantham was of course was invited, so the if course meant that is was not so much a celebration dinner rather than an evening of mama advertising the good qualities of Alfred, the youngest Crawley brother. He of course is ever keen to back up my mother by informing me of his affection, that I simply cannot return. The oldest Crawley brother, Patrick, is already engaged to a Lady Katherine Holland. I have heard that she has a great fortune, and as the future Earl of Grantham I am sure that that is very important. I have never spoken to him as I have spoken to Alfred as he is ten years my senior, but during the general dinner conversation he sounds much more interesting than his younger brother.

The only redeeming feature of the day was that Roberta paid us a visit with her husband, Harold and her young children, Edith and George. They are such beautiful children that even William, the butler, cannot help but smile when they are around. Before they left Roberta gave me a present and it was this diary. She told me not to tell mama as she would think it was improper, and she is probably right.

Lady Violet Simonds


	2. Chapter 2

28th February 1868

There has been three weeks of marriage hints from my mother since I turned nineteen, and we have had the Crawleys over to dine twice every week and have dined there three times. Lady Crawley seems scarcely less eager for the match than mama. Alfred Crawley has proposed no less than three times. Mama says that if I keep refusing him he shall lose interest. She says that it is cruel to abuse him in this way yet she still refuses to take my objections into consideration.

Over the weeks I have however had a chance to talk to Mr. Patrick Crawley twice. He seems like a very nice gentleman, and it would be a lie to say that I am not extremely fond of him. He is so very funny, and I must say lady Katherine is a very lucky woman. Mama says that they has despaired of what was to happen to their eldest son, and she makes sure to convey the fear she has that I too should wait so long to wed. I can imagine the shock she would feel if I told her I had feelings for a man whom was already betrothed. How I long for a sister who was closer to me in age to confide in. Maybe that is why roberta gave me the diary as she knew that I would need a confident at some point in the near future.

Recently the house has been in a lot of excitement as roberta has announced that she is expecting a third child. Every time the visitors arrive to express their congratulations I catch them bestowing pitying looks upon me, as though nineteen and unmarried practically makes me a spinster. I wish mama would not go on so but I can see no way in which it can be avoided. I have written to my sister about the whole matter and I an very eager for a response. I dare not tell her about my feelings for Patrick. I know that she is less easily shocked than mama but I fear this may break even her restraint.

Lady violet simonds

1st march 1868

I am afraid I have not been entirely truthful in recounting what has passed between Patrick Crawley and myself. I am ashamed to admit it but if not in this diary then who else? On the second occasion we dined at downtown abbey I found myself alone with Patrick in the gardens sometime before dinner began. I had told lady Crawley that I should be glad to take a turn in the gardens, and there I met Patrick. Naturally I turned to walk away should anyone stumble upon us alone and get the wrong impression. He called after me and I shall never forget the silk of his voice. He is a much Milder man than his brother.

We walked through the grounds talking of the usual things one talks of and then all of a sudden he kissed me. I have been kissed only once by a man before and I had put it down to being a pointless business. Patrick made me change my opinion completely. It only lasted a second but from that moment I fell hopelessly in love with him and I'm sure he fell for me as well. After the kiss he became very abrupt, apologised and positively ran back to the house, leaving me to ponder the kiss we should never have shared.

I know that he is the man I am meant to marry and yet he is the only man I cannot have. I am haunted by that day and I know I always shall be. I have made it clear that I have no intention of marrying Alfred but this has made the matter even more certain than it was before. I shall not be the one to put Patrick in more torment than we both already feel. I cannot explain this to mama. She would faint, and papa would most certainly turn me out of the house.

After that he went immediately to London, and I can only assume is is to see Miss Holland. I was glad of it until Alfred's third proposal in as many weeks. I don't want to be rude to him but i fear that it might be the only way to stop this charade.

Lady violet simmonds

5th march 1868

I fear mama has done something dreadfully stupid but I shall write more once I have discovered her secret.

Lady violet simmonds


	3. Chapter 3

15th march 1868

I found out what mama was planning and it is dreadful. She has sent Alfred a letter seemingly from me accepting his proposal. This is something I can't correct him on without showing my mamas true colours and disgracing the family, and I cannot do that to papa. I know that lady Crawleys motives for the match are all honorable and because if this I am sure she ha no part in this scheme. Mama however I cannot thing so good willed. She does not care about my well being as much as she cares about what the connection will bring to the family.

I have not seen Alfred since the letter but I overheard a conversation between Mama and lady Crawley saying that Alfred has no doubt that the acceptance is genuine. Mama is ecstatic and papa seems sadder to me than his usual self. I think he knows of her trick too.

I have not seen Patrick recently, but I understand that his wedding has been postponed and shall now take place in the autumn. I am dying to know what has caused this to happen, but to ask would only arouse suspicion. I must be patient. Surely I shall know in time.

Lady violet simonds

24th march 1868

No news of Patrick has yet come my way, but I am trying to discover a way to set Alfred straight without bringing shame on the family. I'm still not sure how to do that. The only way out that I can see would be to marry another but the only man who would have me and be happy with me would be the footman, and it would not be proper. All that would do would be to bring another type of disgrace to the family and maybe even remove myself from all good society.

Lady violet Simonds

29th march 1868

Something huge has happened with the Crawley family. Patrick has returned home without lady Katherine and has announces that his wedding has been cancelled and that he has broken with her. I dare not hope that this is because of me. He would not do such a thing to his family merely over an accidental kiss, but I shall find out more.

Lady violet simonds

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	4. Chapter 4

5th April 1868.

I have found out everything, or rather my mother has from the rumours going around London. It appears that miss Katherine was found with a man in her room, and it was the footman no less. Such a shame is rarely heard of, and although I have never met miss holland I do feel sorry for her. If this news is confirmed she will be shunned from all good society, and I myself cannot doubt it. Surely nothing would cause Patrick to break off the engagement in such a sudden way.

I also must confess that I am glad. Surely this event will mean that he shall propose if I break with Alfred and even mama must approve my choice as this match excels my current match. I will confess all to roberta and ask her advice

Lady violet simmonds

6th April 1868

My dear sister,

I hope that you are well and the children and Harold are also in excellent health.

I am writing to you with news that I have kept to myself for several weeks. Please do not tell mama as, subject to your advice, I shall reveal all to her as soon as I can.

This is such a delicate matter that I hardly know where to start. The point of the matter is this. I have found myself in love. I have told you of mothers forcing me to accept Alfred, and it pains me to say that is not him. It is the elder mr. Patrick Crawley who has my affection, and since now he is again single I feel free to admit it.

You alone know how difficult it is for me to admit to loving a man who is not my betrothed. You alone know how vexed I have been at mamas constant hints to find a husband, and now I need your advice more urgently than ever before. Should I confide in mama? Should I break with Alfred?

I would be greatful if you could respond quickly as this whole situation has left me in a state of confusion which I have never experience before.

Your ever loving sister.

Violet

11th April 1868

My dear violet,

I cannot pretend that reading your letter did not worry me greatly. I know how difficult it must have been for you to write to me about this secret, and I know it is not a decision come to lightly. However I feel I must stress that this is hardly the subject for a letter. Imagine if it had been intercepted.

I shall give you my advice, but I beg you only to confide delicate matters such as these in person on future occasions. I do believe you should tell mama, but you need to chose your moment carefully and wisely. I cannot believe that she would disapprove the much but our mama rarely enjoys anything more that creating a good drama.

I am down with the children in a weeks, so I suggest both of us breaking the news to her. I know how she vexes you, and I have always had a gift for calming her down.

We are all well here and I hope the same can be said with you all. Harold and the children send their love.

Lady Roberta de winter


	5. Chapter 5

19th April 1986

So much has happened since I wrote to my sister that I hardly know where to begin. Mama has been in a state of shock since Roberta's visit, but I am getting ahead of myself.

After receiving the letter from my sister I have been in an advanced state of distraction. We dined at downton abbey twice and both times felt more and more like playing a part. More so than it ever has before. I do not know whether it is because of the oncoming date of Roberta's visit or merely the presence of Patrick. I suppose that it's both and how I wished everything was sorted.

The day roberta arrived at the house was one of the worst I have known so far. At first the only bad thing that happened during the day was that little Edith accidently tore the hem of my dress and quite honestly I've had worse tragedies occur in public let alone in the privacy of my home. It wasn't until luncheon was over that the day began to run for the worse. Mama had invited Alfred as a surprise. The moment he arrived want the moment my sister decide to act, before they could get started in a conversation about the engagement ball arrangements.

Together we three withdrew to a small parlour, leaving papa and Harold alone with him. Roberta just sat there giving me significant looks until I said:

'Mama I cannot marry Alfred.' And when mama showed every sign of interrupting Roberta held up a hand and nodded at me to continue so I told her I was already in love with another. Just as I was going to reveal that it was Patrick mama began the hysterics. I don't want to put down what she said but it was all loud, and carried to the next room. We know this because about a minute after the screaming began the door was thrown open and papa was standing there angrier than I had ever seen him before. It takes a lot to get papa into a temper but at that moment the look he was giving my mother was frightening

'Do you have any idea what you have done woman,' he spat at her and he told us that Alfred had heard enough from her to work out what had truly happen with my acceptance, and had left the house immediately after. My mother started to explain the situation but my father interupted her.

'Charlotte. She doesn't live him. She has never loved him, and you forced her into it. She loves his brother'

The silence that followed was one of the longest I have ever known. All that time I was sitting there wondering how he knew. I was not aware that papa even noticed me at all. Roberta had always been his favourite.

It was papa who finally broke the silence.

'Thanks to your screaming violet is probably neer going to get another offer again. I hope you are proud of yourself.'

I don't know what else was said a this was the point I left the room. Mary, my maid knocked to come in and I let her in so I could change and then ordered her out. I have barely come out my room since, and I do not want to see mama at all. I don't know what I am going to do now

Lady violet simonds


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